I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
