i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
