you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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