I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
