His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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