you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
