??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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