When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
