hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
