hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
