There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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