I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize