i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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