Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
