I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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