Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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