the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
