A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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