he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
