Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
