No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
