I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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