I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
