Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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