just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
