Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
