im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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