If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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