God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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