he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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