Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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