I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
