True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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