I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
