guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I could fuck to npr.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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