I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
