Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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