I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
