How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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