I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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