I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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