If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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