Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
