I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
