dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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