I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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