you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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