Swine flu. Run for my life!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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