My brain says no but my pants say off.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
