Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
