shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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