you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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