Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize