I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
