He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
