I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
